Sometimes I feel like a time bomb...just waiting for my own sense or any sense salvation to come & claim me. What's the salvation--self-destruction, death, a good relationship, a decent job, a career path, positive appraisal...perhaps a sense of completeness or content (but what is that?). I've never had that in life (outside of childhood)...does anyone? It's like the search for the "complete package" in an ideal mate--a red herring in the book of life.
May be that is why people long to believe in some god, or may be that explains some of the drug allure. Content and complete does not come in life...not in modern Earth--at least not with humans (animals seem pretty happy though), and it'd only be foolish to believe in the "golden"
Leave It to Beaver days of yore that it did. That's just a facade...a veil of life.
Sometimes we all wish the world was different, or that life was different; that we could just throw a fresh varnish of our choosing upon those things that bring us no joy. I wish it. You wish it. He wishes it. She wishes it. But, sometimes life feels okay, and sometimes I feel good. Moments of happiness do come to me...friendships, conversations, music, musing, sketching, relationships (when they come my way), reading, designing, exercise, companionship (wherever it comes from and whenever you encounter it in some organic way). That's what it's about.
About companionship...it's sad that it feels as if nobody cares about your personality as long as you look. Sometimes it feels unavoidable--appearance is what lures you in (and I find far too few attractive people), and personality and the rest are what makes it fly or die. As for appearance, I still have some long lost and forgotten--but not really forgotten--traces of geek shyness and awkwardness from adolescence about myself and my appearance...and appearance does matter. I sometimes say "I don't give a shit," but I do).
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Drunken Epilogue to a Drunken Ramble:I wonder what would happen in the world if people did exactly what they wanted to--when the wanted to. I'm not talking about selfish, power-driven, egomaniac, rotten people with a marked lack of pleasantry. I think humans would be happier and the world would be a better place to live in...but then there's work to think about--careers...right? Imagine having your dream job--and I'm not talking about "drinking and partying all the time" or some other small-minded nonsense that goes no where fast, but your real dream job--doing the thing that makes you happy; the thing you keep returning to in life; the thing that while you're doing it you don't really notice time--you're just having a good time. Perhaps that's happy. And then the rest of the stuff may be easy to put together in the puzzle called your life.
I'm tired of writing and far too inebriated to continue this entry...
...farewell
